Just When I Think I’m Better…

I’ve been working on healing from my abuse trauma for 14 years now… today is around the anniversary of the first memory, in fact--the memory that tipped me off and started me exploring my past in years and years of intense therapy.

Recently I’ve been “moving on” to more spiritual matters, less focused on the abuse and recovery. I’ve been doing other creative things like painting and writing fiction.

But it comes back to bite me from time to time. Today in my writing workshop, another writer gave a fictional account of a young man with PTSD who wanted to tell his girlfriend about it. The man in the story froze and could not speak. That story felt entirely real to me and even triggered the young part of me that feels she’ll never be heard. The same part of me that sometimes feels silenced in Buddhist circles because we’re supposed to let all those emotional things “just come and go.” Ha! When it bites you in the back, letting go is just a concept.

There’s nothing to do, I think, except accept that this happens. The spiral keeps circling, even though it’s not as dire and overwhelming as before.

Survivors, what enormous patience we need!


Sundance said...

Hi Jane,

I definitely know where you are coming from with this. I'm currently reading a book called "Wherever You Go - There You Are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. It's a guide to mindfulness meditation in everyday life. The chapter I read this morning was exactly about your blog entry. It's about allowing those emotions and feelings to come and be present with them in the moment - allow them to surface while staying present. For myself, it gave me permission to still have those feelings. So, instead of "just come and go" as in Buddhism - try 'just come and be present'.

Love and light!

Jane Rowan said...

Thanks, Sundance. That's exactly what works for me, too. And I think the Buddhist path can really work that way, too.

Here's to the dance of life!

dc said...

hi, I am DC. i feel dissapointed,depress,cruel of this world,hopeless and intend to commit suicide. I am in middle age and not married yet. I feel so defeated in my life,no married,no career,not many friends. In my life just full of cruel and dissapointed. life is suffering in the world.

Jane Rowan said...

you sound very sad and depressed, in despair about your life. I hope you will not try suicide. If you are thinking about it, please call a crisis hotline or visit http://www.suicideforum.com/ .

There are people who care in this world. I hope you will reach out and find them.
Wishing you the best,