Just When I Think I’m Better…

I’ve been working on healing from my abuse trauma for 14 years now… today is around the anniversary of the first memory, in fact--the memory that tipped me off and started me exploring my past in years and years of intense therapy.

Recently I’ve been “moving on” to more spiritual matters, less focused on the abuse and recovery. I’ve been doing other creative things like painting and writing fiction.

But it comes back to bite me from time to time. Today in my writing workshop, another writer gave a fictional account of a young man with PTSD who wanted to tell his girlfriend about it. The man in the story froze and could not speak. That story felt entirely real to me and even triggered the young part of me that feels she’ll never be heard. The same part of me that sometimes feels silenced in Buddhist circles because we’re supposed to let all those emotional things “just come and go.” Ha! When it bites you in the back, letting go is just a concept.

There’s nothing to do, I think, except accept that this happens. The spiral keeps circling, even though it’s not as dire and overwhelming as before.

Survivors, what enormous patience we need!